Sleepless

After lying in bed awake for hours, I finally got up. I hate falling asleep within an hour of the alarm. Invariably, I'll be in the deepest of REM and having to get up at the alarm feels like torture. I'd rather get up early and spare myself the unpleasantness. Perhaps I'll get a nap? Yeah, right.

It's been 11 years since I've been able to get sleep regularly. Sweetpea has always had to travel. So after we had our first pea, I'd lose sleep just lying in bed thinking,"I'm the only responsible adult in the house. How did that happen? Who thought that was a good idea?"

The second pea was awful! During the first few years after we had her, I was mentally unwell from the lack of sleep. I mean it - I should have been medicated. I still can't reconcile the fact that the person I was then is the same person I've been and am now. But I didn't lie in bed awake and worry. We lived in a small duplex so the peas were only one room away, and really, if I needed help, I could simply knock on the wall behind our bed and wake the neighbors! (never had to do that, but liked the option.)

When we moved into this house, the pea's rooms were all the way down the hall and we'd never lived in a house this large. Once again I'd lie in bed and think, "Me? I'm the adult?" It didn't help that when we moved in, Sweetpea and I were separated for several months while he went to his company's HQ to train for his new job. Within the first few weeks of moving in, our brain-dead, no good for anything but shedding dog woke up and started with a guttural growl. She, who only ever ate and slept and couldn't even be bothered to get up if the front doorbell rang. She kept pacing and growling and freaking me out! It took me months to be able to sleep after that - I felt like I needed one eye open. I never did figure out what woke her up, but the only other time she did that, we woke up to the biggest pile of bear poo in our front yard, so I figure it must have been an animal. Worthless creature would have invited an intruder in as long as she didn't have to get up.

I don't know why I don't sleep now. But I do know most of my women friends complain of sleeplessness. Add on the fact that Sweetpea has his Jordan interview one week from today, and I think it may be a loooooong time before sleep comes to me.